


shines so sincere

by dottie_wan_kenobi



Series: Harry Potter (series) Fics [27]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Asexual Lily Evans Potter, Asexuality, Coming Out, F/M, Fluff and Hurt/Comfort, Getting Together, Internalized Acephobia, Marauders Era (Harry Potter), POV Lily Evans Potter, Supportive James Potter
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-11
Updated: 2021-02-11
Packaged: 2021-03-18 03:07:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,027
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29361516
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dottie_wan_kenobi/pseuds/dottie_wan_kenobi
Summary: He looked up as she approached, his smile widening, the lines around his eyes crinkling behind his glasses. He raised his glass as if in a toast, and asked, “To what do I owe the pleasure, Evans?”Ignoring the curious looks of his friends, she said, “Actually, there’s something I need to talk to you about. In private.”That didn’t sound too bad, did it? Not necessarily personal. It could’ve been about Head Student responsibilities. It could’ve been about anything.
Relationships: James Potter/Lily Evans Potter
Series: Harry Potter (series) Fics [27]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1799116
Comments: 6
Kudos: 28





	shines so sincere

**Author's Note:**

> me, projecting? noooo pshaw couldn't be me
> 
> anyway, Lily does have internalized acephobia in this fic. they live in a world where they don't know much about sexualities, and Lily has lived a life where any oddities were mocked by her sister, so I felt it only makes sense that she would have these feelings. but I'm here to say that being ace does NOT make you a freak, it's not wrong, it's not something that needs to be (or even could be) fixed. it's a spectrum and no matter where you fall on it, you are valid.
> 
> fic title from Sunny by Boney M.
> 
> I do not support JKR's disgusting transphobic views. If you do, you are not welcome here, bye.

Lily sat sideways on the bench, poised to stand, biting her lip. Her eyes were on James, who sat just down the table from her, his eternally messy hair made even worse from having just rolled out of bed, so late he nearly missed breakfast. He was getting better about being responsible in all walks of his life—she’d caught him studying, Merlin forbid, and knew from their work together as Head Boy and Girl that he took his job seriously—but apparently getting up on time was just too difficult.

Not that she could blame him. She hadn’t wanted to get out of bed this morning either. At least she had a reason, which was the same one she had for being nervous now.

She’d always known that James fancied her, couldn’t avoid the truth of it after all of his pathetic attempts back in fifth year to win her over. And while she no longer felt the embarrassed anger she did then, it was the same: there was no avoiding that James had feelings for her. She didn’t want to avoid it, really, not anymore. In fact, recently she’d started to reciprocate a tiny bit, her heartbeat fluttering when he smiled at her, her palms sweating when he asked her to accompany him places (as a friend, he always specified, a self-conscious little smile on his face). The conversations they had were too often aimless, bouncing from topic to topic, eliciting spirited debates that left her heart and mind in a tizzy.

It wasn’t an issue, fancying James. She found herself enjoying it more and more, the way he made her feel, the way he looked at her. At night, she found herself imagining dates with him, real ones, and sometimes there were torturous ideas of a future they could have together as adults, as partners. Her feelings for him were different from how they used to be, no longer annoyed or reluctantly amused, but uplifting and fulfilling, they were fun and bright and silly, they were—

Nerve-wracking. Because there was something Lily hadn’t told James—hadn’t told almost anyone—that, she knew, would throw a spanner in any possible relationship they might have.

She stood, then, knowing she needed to get it over with, to rip the plaster off and—and hope for the best. Last night, it wasn’t dreams of a future with him that kept her up, but the fear of his reaction. He wasn’t a bigot. He supported his friends, he never hurled slurs. Everyone knew his mother’s sister was married to another witch. Whatever happened, she knew—took comfort in the fact—that he would be kind about it, that she would probably (hopefully) not lose his friendship. But it was still terrifying, the unknown effect all of this could have.

He looked up as she approached, his smile widening, the lines around his eyes crinkling behind his glasses. He raised his glass as if in a toast, and asked, “To what do I owe the pleasure, Evans?”

Ignoring the curious looks of his friends, she said, “Actually, there’s something I need to talk to you about. In private.”

That didn’t sound too bad, did it? Not necessarily personal. It could’ve been about Head Student responsibilities. It could’ve been about anything.

But of course, he could tell it wasn’t. Taking one last bite, he studied her face. She didn’t dare look away, knowing he’d see the tell for what it was, but meeting his gaze wasn’t any better. James Potter could read people like books. He could read  _ her  _ like a book. Especially lately, as they became closer, he’d been able to tell all too easily when she was upset. Standing, he asked lowly, no joking in his voice, “You alright?”

Just peachy. Her stomach was twisting anxiously, heat lurking in the back of her eyes, and she was certain that he was going to end up saying,  _ Thanks but no thanks. _ She said, “Yes, fine. Can we go?”

She hardly waited for him to reply, unable to stand the probing looks from all four of them anymore. Escaping the Great Hall, Lily found the nearest empty classroom she knew of, not speaking. Her breath shivered out of her lungs as she tried, once again, to tell herself everything would be fine.

The sound of James’s breathing and his shoes on the stone flooring was all she needed to know he was with her. Once they were both inside, she shut and locked the door, then cast a  _ muffliato _ . It wouldn’t be enough to keep his sneaky friends out, but she immediately felt better with a barrier between her and James, and the rest of the school.

Turning, she found James leaning against a table, looking right at her. He had his concerned face on—his mouth was pulled down, his eyes sharp—and his shoulders were deceptively relaxed, his hands resting on the edge like he might launch himself off it at any moment. 

She wasn’t sure if he was trying to seem harmless or not, but if he was, he was failing. Under his attentions, she felt utterly see-through. Clutching her arms against her stomach, she found there was nothing she could do to protect this vulnerable spot of herself. 

_ He won’t hurt you, _ she reminded herself. His friends, his aunt, never saying any slurs. He wouldn’t hurt her.

_ Not on purpose, _ another part whispered. But he still could.

“Okay, I can tell something’s wrong,” he said, cutting through her thoughts. “Did something happen? Are you alright? Who do I need to go curse?”

All night long, she’d thought about what she would say. Nothing had felt right. She’d thought, stupidly, that the words would come to her in the moment, that looking at him and his soft melty gaze would be enough. There were no words magically popping into her head, no ideas of how to broach this with him. And of course he was getting all protective and jumping to conclusions.

Lily approached him, though she didn’t lean on any of the tables herself. She needed to move, she needed to have some space while she did this. “Nothing’s wrong,” she said finally, hoping it was the truth. “Nobody did anything, and I already said I’m fine. I just wanted to tell you something important. It’s, uh—I’m just a bit nervous, that’s all,” she said under her breath.

James didn’t look convinced. But still, faced with someone he cared about who was panicking, he softened. He didn’t reach out to her—he knew she should be the one to initiate right now—but leaned his head forward a little, trying to catch her eye. “Hey, that’s alright,” he said soothingly. “Whatever it is, it’ll be okay. I promise you.”

For some reason, she said, “You shouldn’t make promises you can’t keep.”

“Trust me, unless you’re about to say you’re secretly a Death Eater right now, I’m sure it’ll be okay.”

Lily scoffed, revolting against the very idea. But she didn’t linger on the indignation she felt—it was distracting, and too… passionate, she supposed. Too far in the opposite direction. She needed to focus, didn’t want to think about something else, not when this was so delicate. “I would never. It’s not that. It’s…” She didn’t know a better way to do this, and time was starting to run out. He wouldn’t sit there all day waiting for her to find the perfect way to— “I think I’m falling in love with you.”

His mouth dropped open, but otherwise, he was frozen, staring at her with wide eyes. 

Not giving him a moment to let that settle in—no matter how much she wanted to—she plowed on ahead. “Except that there’s something… not wrong with me, it’s not a bad thing, it’s just—well. I don’t want to have sex with you. I don’t want to have sex with anyone. I don’t have… I’m not….”

She had no words for it. There was no easy way to explain that she liked to get herself off just fine, but when she and her ex-girlfriend had tried to have sex, she’d felt… bored and uncomfortable. There’d been cerebral sparks between them, and kissing had been great, but sex was a different story—there was nothing there. Every time they tried, she just felt lost and confused, unsure why anyone would want to experience it. And the more in her head she got about it, the worse it felt, her skin beginning to itch in an altogether unpleasant way. She’d wondered if she was the only person in the world who felt like that, if maybe she was trying with the wrong person, if she was even into girls at all.

The only answer she had was for that last one, and it was a resounding yes. But doubts still creeped in the back of her mind about all of it, anxious thoughts about what it meant that she didn’t like sex, questions about—was it just that she didn’t like sex, or that she didn’t want it, or something else? Was there even any difference there? What did it mean for her future—would she end up alone like Petunia always teased her about?

And what did it mean that she could enjoy her time alone, but once someone else touched her, the warmth in her stomach shriveled and disappeared?

She kept telling herself she wasn’t broken, but she wasn’t sure if she believed it or not. The old adage “fake it until you make it” wasn’t working as well as it usually did.

Stupid tears filled her eyes as he sat, still frozen, probably trying to figure out what the bloody hell she was even talking about enough to reject her. She was so good at hiding her emotions with everything but this. There was no one to talk to, no place to vent, and the few times she’d ever talked about it with anyone, she’d cried. She didn’t want to cry in front of him, but he wasn’t saying anything, he was just staring at her, and she didn’t know what it meant!

“I understand,” she said, voice thick with held back emotion, “if you don’t want to have to deal with that. For what it’s worth, I’m sorry, and I hope we can still be friends.”

He blinked at her, and it was then she realized that—no, he probably didn’t want to be friends. He was probably still in love with her, and now she’d just gone and ruined it, maybe even broke his heart. She wouldn’t want to be friends with him either if the situation were reversed—wouldn’t be able to handle seeing him after a rejection like this. She wasn’t sure she’d be able to anyway. Their prefect patrols and Head Student meetings were going to be miserable, weren’t they? Both of them pretending their hearts weren’t shattered because she just couldn’t make herself— 

Still, she tried to retain some dignity. Holding her head up, she nodded solemnly and didn’t say a word as she turned to the door.

She was going to leave, and she wasn’t going to cry until she was safely tucked in her bed in Gryffindor Tower, where James and his stupid brilliant everything couldn’t find her.

“Wha—Lily,” James suddenly said, startling out of his stupor and reaching for her arm. He turned her back around gently, his eyes searching her face. “Wait. Wait, please. You just dropped two  _ bombardas  _ on me, I need a second to—you’re falling in love with me? Really?”

His eyes shone happily, his smile reappearing. She nodded, unable to speak around the frog in her throat. Yes, she was falling for him. It felt inevitable, right down to the marrow of her bones, like sinking into a warm hug. But the issue about sex was holding her—them—back. She wished, not for the first time, that she could be more normal.

It wasn’t often she let herself entertain the idea, knowing it did nothing but hurt in the end. Maybe she would be different in the future, but what was important was now, and right now? There was no changing who she was. If that meant not being normal, then… well, it was just another way in which she was a freak.

Looking up into his smile, she hoped he realized that. If he was about to say he could fix her or change her, it would break her heart. But he wasn’t like that, or at least she really hoped not. 

“Lily,” he said, a simple word carrying the weight of several years of emotion. “That’s—I’m so happy to—I love y—wait, I should talk about the other thing first, I think.”

Lily closed her eyes. This was awful. Maybe she should’ve just pretended, should’ve told him she’s falling for him and left out not-interested-in-sex part. How could she go on after hearing that cut off declaration? How could she go on hearing him say it to Sirius every day, or Merlin forbid, another girl?

“Hey,” he said, coaxing and soft. “Hey, listen. You don’t need to be sorry for that. Okay? You don’t ever need to be sorry for who you are.”

“Unless you’re a Death Eater,” she said, daring to peek at him. His nose was twitching slightly, the way it always did when he something shocked him. She’d seen it a lot, after several revenge pranks over the years. But more importantly, he didn’t look upset, or disgusted. That sappy, melty, sweet gleam shone in his eyes, and his smile was lopsided but gentle, no sharpness to it at all. 

“Yeah,” he agreed solemnly. “Or a bigoted arsehole. But this? No. Not at all, not ever. I—“

Suddenly, a strong need to make it all clear to him gripped her, and though it was the last thing she wanted, to be rejected by him, she urged, “You understand, don’t you? If we date, if we become boyfriend and girlfriend, you won’t… I won’t… there will be no sex. I can’t promise you anything like that.”

Maybe it would have been easier to pretend, to lie. But she knew he would want to know. Flashes of what could’ve happened if she did hit her then—having sex with him, struggling to hide how it made her feel, and James eventually finding out, hurt and angry that she’d kept something so—so  _ important  _ from him. 

It was best she laid all the cards down now, before they could get any more tangled together. So that he could extricate himself before it was too late.

He hummed thoughtfully. Though he was looking at her, he seemed lost in thought, and she hoped he couldn’t tell what she was thinking. “Would—wait, can I ask questions? You can say no, it’s okay.”

Questions. The word made her stomach cramp with nerves, but still, she nodded. 

“Thank you,” he smiled, coming back to her and shifting on his heels. “I’m mostly wondering what your limits are. Would you want to snog at all?”

“Snogging’s okay. I like that part. It’s just once it starts, uh… going beyond that,” she fumbled, “that’s uncomfortable for me.”

His hand twitched like he wanted to reach out, and she could picture the way he would comfort his friends, a soothing hand, a lifeline she sorely wanted in that moment. “Okay. Listen, Lily, I… I’m just gonna be honest, okay? I’m in love with you. And up until like, fifteen minutes ago, I thought you’d never return those feelings. I want to be with you, in any shape or form that might take. Friends, dating, whatever. As long as we’re together, I’m happy. I want you to be happy too. 

“If we date, and we don’t shag, not even once, then that’s okay. I’m never going to pressure you, or expect anything from you that you don’t want to give, not like that. I am glad you want to kiss,” he said, giving an exaggeratedly relieved sigh, and she giggled despite herself. “But, really. I love you. I love all of you, Lily. I’m probably going to have to like, study this stuff so I don’t say anything stupid or do the wrong thing, but I can handle that just fi— “

“James,” she said, interrupting him finally. Her heart was racing. This all felt like a dream, some fantasy where he was perfect and she got everything she ever wanted. All of his words, the feelings and meaning behind them, were hitting her at once. She opened her mouth but nothing came out. 

All she could think, over and over again, was  _ How is he real? _

“Can I hug you?” He asked after a few moments. His hands were twitching again.

“Please,” Lily replied, opening her arms for him. They fell against each other within seconds, and he was warm and stable and still there, right there with her. He knew about her and he loved her—not despite it, not anyway, he just loved her. He loved every part of her. Heart beat in her throat now, tears pricking her eyes, she asked against his chest, “Will you be my boyfriend?”

His hand caressed her back, up and down, up and down over the fabric of her sweater. The touch soothed something inside of her, the terrified and vulnerable shivers clenching in her head and chest finally easing, and she melted into it. “Don’t be silly,” he said. She could hear the beam in his voice, his own racing heart under her ear. “Of course I will. Girlfriend.”

A little hesitantly, he pressed a kiss to the top of her head. “That okay?” He murmured.

She pulled away enough to meet his eyes. Merlin. Somehow, in all her panic, she hadn’t let herself dream of this becoming a reality. He was beautiful and amazing and she knew it wouldn’t be long before there was no turning back. Not long at all. “Don’t be silly,” she repeated him, standing on her tiptoes to kiss his cheek. “Of course it is. Boyfriend.”

**Author's Note:**

> You can find me on tumblr at dottie-wan-kenobi
> 
> If you enjoyed this, please consider leaving a comment, thank you! <3


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